25 new messages in 8 topics - digest

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Today's topics:

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TOPIC: surrender
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/c802089baaf3b7ea?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 4 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:32 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 11:42:33 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>> I absolutely, positively agree with Elisabeth about everything.
>>>>
>>>> Larry
>>>> Consider that statement an act of self-preservation.
>>>
>>>Coward !
>>
>> Maybe, but I'd rather be a living coward than a dead moron.
>
>What's "dead" gotta do with it ?

You think it's a second hand emotion?

== 2 of 4 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:32 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:07 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>I absolutely, positively agree with Elisabeth about everything.
>
>Good.
>
>>Larry
>>Consider that statement an act of self-preservation.
>
>I need to test my new knife set on somebody else.

I volunteer Mos.

== 3 of 4 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:33 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:07 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>Try harder.
>>>>>
>>>>> Give me a minute. Getting inside dis tail is hard work.
>>>>
>>>>A *minute* ? Wow . . . 38hours later, and he's asking for a minute
>>>
>>>I don't mind. I live outside your space-time-continuum.
>>
>>Which parallel dimension did you visit this week, dear?
>
>Earth 617.

Pick me up some Danish the next time you're there.

== 4 of 4 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:34 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:08 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>But it's not de tail dat I'm holding!
>>>>>
>>>>>Try harder.
>>>>
>>>>Give me a minute. Getting inside dis tail is hard work.
>>>
>>>As getting inside should always be.
>>
>>I forgot the magic words for a second. Open Sesame!
>
>And?
>
>>Why didn't that work? Oops, wrong magic words. Ok, these always
>>work.
>>
>>I brought you diamond jewelry!
>
>And?

And some Diamond brand cheese.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: MI5 Persecution: Flying Eye (Mar/1999) (2535)
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/5113f95c649cbe52?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Sat, Nov 10 2007 8:37 pm
From: MI5Victim@mi5.gov.uk

Jackie King from the Flying Eye 14/3/99

Certainty level: 40%

In early March 1999, Capital Radio alleged they had received some emails,
one of which was forwarded to me. It contained the words, "you know this
bloke, he says we're trying to kill him, we should be done for attempted
manslaughter!" which Chris Tarrant had said in 1994.

Following these emails there was an explosion in abuse activity, both from
Capital Radio, and from MI5 themselves. MI5 followed me around and hurled
abuse at me. The following audio file contains what may be abuse from the
radio station.

Jackie King from the Flying Eye made these remarks on Sunday (14/3/99)
lunchtime 12.24pm; "gas main work being, er, HANDLED if you like (laughs,
embarrassed) outside Madame Tussauds, Euston Road obviously feeling the
backlash of that".

The key word is "handled", which she sounds embarrassed to be saying; to
me it looks like an attempt at a sexual slander. Capital Radio aren't even
pretending not to get at me any more. I asked Chris Tarrant several times
about his remark from 1994, and he has consistently avoided answering.

2535

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==============================================================================
TOPIC: Chinese food
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/2450e65bb085dfcf?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:35 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:08 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>>>>>I always thought so. That's the reason I rub your head before I bet
>>>>>>>>>>at the track.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>><pant pant pant>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Does Elisabeth want a bone?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>to chew on
>>>>>>
>>>>>>There's no marrow in it so you really wouldn't have to chew.
>>>>>
>>>>>Just hollow? How sad.
>>>>
>>>>Hollow but meaty.
>>>
>>>Meet my hollow.
>>
>>Hold on one second while I put on my meaty-hollow protection. Ready?
>
>This is boring. Do something more funny.

Cool. I always did enjoy telling jokes when I ride bareback.

== 2 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:36 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:09 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>>>>>I always thought so. That's the reason I rub your head before I bet
>>>>>>>>>>at the track.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>><pant pant pant>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Does Elisabeth want a bone?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>to chew on
>>>>>>
>>>>>>There's no marrow in it so you really wouldn't have to chew.
>>>>>
>>>>>Just hollow? How sad.
>>>>
>>>>Hollow but meaty.
>>>
>>> Meet my hollow.
>>
>>His hormone level just went way up.
>
>I am as good as any youth well.

May I dip my bucket in your youth well?

== 3 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:37 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:09 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>It sounds like someone other than Dubya was looking for a mandate.
>>>>
>>>>It was more like Alan was looking for an Elisabeth date.
>>>
>>>It is not *that* difficult to get one, especially if beer is involved.
>>
>>And cheese. Never forget the cheese.
>
>Mmmmmm .... cheese ....

Now that I've got you in the mood, would you like to come up to my
place to see my Edam?

== 4 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:38 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 12:35:18 -0700, "SummersFrenzy"
<icediamond_desire@hotmail.com> wrote:

>>>You areNot.
>>
>> AmToo!
>
>A too . . . now *that* I can believe

HA! You forgot about Rule #1.

== 5 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:39 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 11:30:38 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>> Am not!
>>>
>>>You am, I am not.
>>
>> Ok. I think, therefore what's your excuse?
>
>Excuse ? Feh. I have reasons.

Name 28 of them.

== 6 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:39 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 11:31:43 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Not any more. Now we're in this now, not that now.
>>>>>>>>>>>>> When?
>>>>>>>>>>>> Then, ya goof
>>>>>>>>>>> Thank you. Glad I'm not the
>>>>>>>>>>> only one that understands it.
>>>>>>>>>> This is where I'm supposed to note: "say again?"
>>>>>>>>> Again.
>>>>>>>> Thank you. Now for something completely different . . . THEN
>>>>>>>Jeez, is that going to lead to more "now" stuff ?
>>>>>> And now for something completely different...
>>>>>Been there, done that already . . . you were late, now it's then
>>>> Then I was late. Why make such a big deal about it now?
>>>She didn't now. She did then.
>>
>> You did now, she did it then.
>
>No, I did it then, but not now.

No more now!

== 7 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:40 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:09 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>Absolutely! The thorns on Elisabeth's rose are pricking my ... well,
>>>>>>you know.
>>>>>
>>>>> Finger?
>>>>
>>>>No wonder he's always pointing
>>>
>>>He loves to get pricked.
>>
>>I most certainly do not! I am the pricker, not the prickee!
>
>So why is there a thorn stucked to your finger?

I tried to pluck your rose?

== 8 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:41 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:10 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>>>>>> But I was already in enough pain!
>>>>>>>>>> That's a matter of opinion.
>>>>>>>>> Yeah, mine!
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Ask him if he cares.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>I think the answer's pretty obvious, but okay: Larry, do you care?
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Absolutely! The thorns on Elisabeth's rose are pricking my ... well,
>>>>>>you know.
>>>>>
>>>>>Finger?
>>>>
>>>>Not exactly.
>>>
>>>Toe?
>>
>>Somewhere in between.
>
>Now I know: belly button!

You're getting warmer.

== 9 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:43 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:12 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>>>Thanks OUCH OUCH! You left the thorns on the rose on purpose, right
>>>>>>>>OUCH?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>A rose without a thorn is none.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>But I was already in enough pain!
>>>>>
>>>>>There is never enough.
>>>>
>>>>You sadomasochist, you!
>>>
>>>It's a French-Austrian thing.
>>
>>Marquis de Sade/Wienerschnitzel?
>
>Google for Masoch.

His name apparently applies to all regular rec.humorites.

== 10 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:44 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:12 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>>> Have you not noticed that I also am human?
>>>>>>> Not yet.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Let me climb all the way out of this pod and I'll prove it to you.
>>>>>
>>>>> Let me help you there. I will hold your other tentacle.
>>>>
>>>>You misspelled te ... well, maybe not.
>>>
>>>I misspell a lot in my old days, but I recognize a tentacle when I see
>>>one.
>>
>>You always were a sucker for suckers.
>
>Some habits never change.

You know there's one born every minute, right?

== 11 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:44 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:13 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>>>Have you not noticed that I also am human?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>Not yet.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Let me climb all the way out of this pod and I'll prove it to you.
>>>>>
>>>>>Let me help you there. I will hold your other tentacle.
>>>>
>>>>Thanks! BTW, that isn't a tentacle.
>>>
>>>So why is it green, then?
>>
>>Algae.
>
>Does it tickle?

It can tickle your fancy if you'd like.

== 12 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:45 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:13 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>>>Der governator?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>Is that how you call him now?
>>>>>>
>>>>>>No. I call him on the phone.
>>>>>
>>>>>I bet he is occupied.
>>>>
>>>>He always makes time for my calls. I just threaten him with Skynet
>>>>becoming self-aware if he won't come to the phone.
>>>
>>>Did it do the trick?
>>
>>Is Skynet self aware?
>
>I see.

You are Skynet? Now we really are in trouble!

== 13 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:48 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:13 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>> I'm the Big Bad Wolf, you doofus! Elisabeth is wearing the Red
>>>>>> Riding Hood ensemble. Check out her basket!
>>>>>
>>>>> I wear this little cute red hat. As for the basket, it's just wine and
>>>>> cake, nothing else. No need to look closer.
>>>>
>>>>"Fuck 'em ... let 'em eat cake!"
>>>> - Marie Antionette
>>>
>>>Another famous Austrian female export.
>>
>>See what free trade does?
>
>There was never much good we gave to the world.

Sure there was. What about Strauss waltzes?

== 14 of 14 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:49 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:07:13 +0100, Elisabeth Mueller
<maelmill@eunet.at> wrote:

>>>>>>>You? Who are you?
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Der Werwolf!
>>>>>
>>>>>des Weswolfs ...
>>>>
>>>>Nein! Der Werwolfski.
>>>
>>>I forgot you decline Polish.
>>
>>Nein!
>
>Make up your mind.

How do I powder it?

==============================================================================
TOPIC: MI5 Persecution: Johnny Boy (21/Aug/1998) (4709)
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/47a253446fec8c2c?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Sat, Nov 10 2007 10:26 pm
From: MI5Victim@mi5.gov.uk

Virgin Radio-Johnny Boy (21/August/1998)

Certainty level: 60%

On Saturday 15 August 1998 I attended a gathering of contributors to
newsgroup uk.misc at London's Victoria railway station. Also present was
Simon G, who had previously given this description of what he would be
wearing;

At 06:36 AM 13/8/98 GMT, Simon wrote:
>further clarification to aid recognition, i'll be wearing
>a t shirt, a brown suede waistcoat, a brown suede miniskirt,
>& a pair of patchwork leggings (& may have a widebrimmed straw
>hat, too).

It is my belief that my persecutors, who monitor my home telephone line
(and consequently read all modem communications including email),
were aware of this meeting, and may even have observed the "meat" taking
place.

Following the "meat" it seemed to me that one or two attempts were made by
my persecutors to portray me as "gay", on the basis of Simon's suede
miniskirt, which in their inventiveness my persecutors attributed to me,
not Simon. (Just for the record, Simon is hetero, and has agreed to the
above email extract being published.) The following item from Johnny Boy's
Wheels of Steel (between 7pm-11pm, Friday 21/8/98) is one such attempt.

(conversation) (J=Johnny-Boy, H=Hipster)

J: Texas of course part of V98 this weekend enjoy it if you're going. Keep
your eyes out on Sunday in Chelmsford for Hipster, because he's going to
be there. What are you going to be wearing?

H: I'll be wearing my, er, my suede shorts.
(sycophantic laughter)

J: and believe me he ain't joking, he ain't joking. OK coming next at Virgin
on the Wheels of Steel...

Why do I think Hipster's "suede shorts" refers to Simon's mini-skirt?
Because "suede" in both cases (obvious!); because "suede shorts" indicates
"gay" which they were trying to pin on me; because "shorts" = something
short, such as a "mini"-skirt; and because the two DJs both laughed as soon
as Hipster said "suede shorts", they knew what the joke was, they knew that
they were meant (and probably paid) to find it funny.

4709

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==============================================================================
TOPIC: MI5 Persecution: Johnny Boy (19/June/1999) (6883)
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/f2dbe43f229fb8ca?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Sat, Nov 10 2007 11:27 pm
From: MI5Victim@mi5.gov.uk

Virgin Radio-Johnny Boy (19/June/1999)

Certainty level: 30%

I'm not quite sure about this one, so I've given it a one in three chance
of being about me. First the background.... from mid-March 1999 for some
three or four months, every weekend, I bombarded Westminster MPs with
faxes about the terrible, all-encompassing MI5 Persecution. (Jesting aside,
it really is terrible and all-encompassing, in the UK anyway.) Of course
each week some MPs replied; but in June 1999, after I'd been at it some
three months, I started getting "covert" feedback from Virgin Radio.

The first feedback I got was from Danny Baker, on Sunday 13th June. That
weekend I was sending an article which contained biting criticism of the
police inaction in this case. Danny Baker on his Virgin radio show started
an angry rant that "he knows it's rubbish", ie. he was rubbishing what I'd
said in that weekend's faxed article. Unfortunately I wasn't recording this
programme.

The next possible Virgin-Radio feedback was a week later on 19th June 1999.
This is contained in the audio file above, in which Johnny Boy on his
"Wheels of Steel" programme says;

"and if you would like to put a triple play together, ahhh.... because
quite frankly Hipster and me are running out of ideas...."

He goes on to counter Hipster's "how dare you" with a protestation that he
is "only joking".

What I reckon is that my article faxed to MPs that weekend was forwarded
by one of the recipients to Virgin Radio. My article had included the words;

"I am beginning to run out of both new topics and energy to write
these articles."

So what I reckon is that Johnny Boy read the article.... and rephrased
the above line "run out of ... new topics" to "running out of ideas".
I recognise that this is a pretty tenuous inference to make.... but do
listen to the audio file, from the "ahhh...." pause in JB's speech you
can guess he is about to say something "risky" and at someone's expense.
Anyway, I listen to the Wheels of Steel regularly and will continue to do
so, recording it as I always do - so any future funny remarks will get
immortalised on these pages!

6883

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==============================================================================
TOPIC: MI5 Persecution: Brighton 24/9/98 (9057)
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/8a336e8503a8fdae?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 12:32 am
From: MI5Victim@mi5.gov.uk

Brighton Day Trip - 24/Sept/1998

Certainty level: 5%

On a day trip to Brighton, carrying a minidisc recorder, I managed to
collect several indistinct instances of what I think were people swearing
at me. Between the 0.5 and 1.5 second marks of the above recording is
something that sounds like "nutter". I recorded at least three other much
more obscene sexual words on the same day.

I don't honestly think the "nutter" recorded here is part of the conspiracy
against me. I've been called similar things elsewhere, where it's been
blindingly clear that the insult does form part of the conspiracy - but
not in this case. This illustrates quite a worrying point - as a result of
the many years of abuse "in public", I now sometimes simply don't know
whether somebody is insulting me because they think I look like a dweeb, or
whether the conspiracy is in action. Sometimes, due to background noise
and people talking quietly relative to ambient noise, I can't be sure of
what's being said, even after listening to it again on my minidisc. Or put
another way, I now have a mild form of what I recognise to be occasional
auditory delusions - but these are fuelled by the many years of actual
verbal abuse.

9057

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==============================================================================
TOPIC: MI5 Persecution: POSK 2/2/98 (11231)
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/7a00061391d3b233?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 1:28 am
From: MI5Victim@mi5.gov.uk

POSK Cafe - 2/Feb/1998

Here are two independent segments, both of which occurred in London on
the same day, the first at a Polish cafe, the second on the Tube.

Certainty level: 100%

POSK is the Polish Social-Cultural Centre in Hammersmith, London. It has
quite a nice cafe which does pierogi, golabki etc. I went there with my
mother early in 1998. Seated at the window table were three Polish men
talking amongst themselves. One of them let rip with a sexual obscenity
which was clearly directed at me (it's the same one that's been heard
again and again since about November 1995), and which was recorded on my
minidisc walkman. I have not included it in the above excerpt, which shows
the reaction of another of the trio to the first man's swearing - namely,
"jestes swinia jednak" which in English is "nevertheless you're a swine".

Certainty level: 20%

Somewhere on the London Underground. "Psycho" (I think - a little unclear).

11231

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==============================================================================
TOPIC: Scottish Dentist
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/2816be6690c592af?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 2 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 5:54 am
From: "Greg Evans"

SummersFrenzy wrote:

> Definition of neurotic: building castles in the air and
> dreaming about living in them.
> Definition of psychotic: building castles in the air; then
> moving in and setting up house.

And psychiatrists collect the rent.

== 2 of 2 ==
Date: Sun, Nov 11 2007 5:57 am
From: "Greg Evans"

ynotssor wrote:

>> If it was public, it should be even more your duty to
>> defend it.
>
> Not really; that's what taxes are for ... if what I've been
> told is true.

You, sir, have been willfully and cold-bloodedly misled.

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Posted by NrSD, Minggu, 11 November 2007 05.58

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