25 new messages in 13 topics - digest

rec.humor
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Today's topics:

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TOPIC: surrender
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/c802089baaf3b7ea?hl=en
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== 1 of 2 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 7:36 pm
From: "Greg Evans"

Larry Krzewinski wrote:

>>>> I volunteer Mos.
>>> So this is how volunteering is done in California.
>> Everything is easier when somebody else does it.
>
> Greg volunteers Mos too.

Stop volunteering me to volunteer Mos.

== 2 of 2 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 7:47 pm
From: "Greg Evans"

Larry Krzewinski wrote:

> You are stealing my lines, Evans!

Suffer, beyotch.

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TOPIC: I usually don't plug websites, but... Lets Say Thanks
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/bc539675a937ecf6?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 7:41 pm
From: "Greg Evans"

Larry Krzewinski wrote:

>> Whether you are for or against the war, our guys and
>> gals over there need to know we are behind them...
>
> Well DUH! If we were in front of them we'd probably get shot.

I couldn't find it online, but I recall an old editorial cartoon from the
70's or 80's titled "Muslim Mine Detector" - it showed a stereotypical
middle-eastern-looking man walking behind a woman in a burqa; she had her
fingers in her ears and she was reluctantly probing the ground ahead with
one tentative foot....

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TOPIC: Sex novels by instant download
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/72fd6a8158cbf98d?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 7:42 pm
From: "Greg Evans"

Larry Krzewinski wrote:

>>> Don't make me give you yet another motivational
>>> lesson, young man!
>> Gladly.
>
> Ok. Don't make me give you yet another motivational
> lesson, Gladly. BTW, when did you change your name?

My name is Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear.

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TOPIC: Chinese food
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/2450e65bb085dfcf?hl=en
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== 1 of 2 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 7:44 pm
From: "Greg Evans"

Larry Krzewinski wrote:

>>> Cool. I always did enjoy telling jokes when I ride bareback.
>> With cool you mean the weather situation when riding bare?
>
> Not exactly. Body heat and strenuous exercise usually keeps
> me warm.

"Strenuous exercise", for Larry, means having to get up off the couch to get
another beer from the fridge.

== 2 of 2 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 8:17 pm
From: "ynotssor"

In news:hhj4k39pr282hodg4hanlb92fn9doqbd8p@4ax.com,
Larry Krzewinski <Feerless_Freep@madmagazine.com> wrote:

>> What shocking dance it was: any stranger could hold a lady firmly
>> pressed to his body in plain sight.
>
> That isn't shocking as long as you take the correct steps.

Stay out of the path of the ooom-pah-pah.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: The True Story of the Thanksgiving Turkey
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/df9dd6ee2a84d2a8?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 8:29 pm
From: gefilte

Many historians claim that turkey was originally domesticated in the
Americas and Eurasia had its first taste of the bird on the first
Thanksgiving. This is actually patently false, as recent scholarship
has shown.

The wild turkey (Predatoris Terriblus) has been found in
archaeological digs in Central Asia dating back over 50,000 years. It
is believed to have descended from an ancient missing link between
dinosaurs and birds known as Magnus Illegitimus Asinus Avis (Big Ass
Bastard of a Bird) which grew up to 30 feet in length and whose
fossils are found throughout Siberia. It is believed that wild turkeys
were first domesticated somewhere in Central Asia around 10,000 years
ago, at first to help in hunting other game, as the Eurasian wild
turkey was much more aggressive than its current domesticated
descendants.

The first written sources for the domesticated turkey come from India,
where invading Aryans from Central Asia are believed to have terrified
the inhabitants of the Indus Valley with the ferocious birds.
Depictions of vicious turkeys eating the eyeballs of their victims
appear on cylinder seals throughout Harrapan archaeological sights.
Perhaps more will be learned if the writing of this ancient culture is
ever deciphered.

Written Hindu sources began mentioning the bird around the 3rd Century
B.C.E. The most famous passage is in the Bhagavad Gita, which portrays
Siva annihiliating his enemies by transforming himself into a
ferocious bird with an odd appenage hanging from his beak. The
mistranslation "Behold I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" is
actually more like "Behold I am become the terrible bird of your
nightmares, the destroyer of smaller birds the world over". The quote
became famous when Oppenheimer reportedly mentioned it after the first
atomic bomb test. In fact Oppenheimer was referring to the delicious
turkey sandwich he had just eaten while awaiting the results of the
test.

The turkey was a mythical bird for many nomadic warriors throughout
Central Asia. The Osmanli, or Ottoman, Turks revered the bird and were
reoportedly guided by a large turkey on their journey from Central
Asia to the coasts of Asia Minor in the 12th Century. The legend has
it that a giant bird rested upon the shores and spoke "Here shall all
have refreshment and gain, and lyeth upon the footstools and couches
and watcheth greate sporte." The Ottomans thus became famous for
reclining on their couches and footstools, which they named after
their royal dynasty.

Europeans on the other hand, feared the ferocious military power of
the Turks, and began calling them by the fearsome birds which
accompanied their armies, the Turkey. Ottoman sultans reportedly kept
large flocks of turkeys which they used to hunt falcons. The Ottoman
professional soldiers, the Janissaries, were reported to have huge
flocks of heavily trained "Kamikaze turkeys" which flew into enemy
firepits the night before the battle, being then roasted and eaten by
their enemies, and lulling them into a deep slumber.

Europeans got their first taste of the bird in 1683, when the Ottomans
besieged Vienna. When the siege was lifted by Austrian and Polish
armies, they plundered the Ottoman camp and captured many of the
strange birds. The people of Vienna reportedly ate the bird until they
were "stuffed" thus starting a tradition of "stuffed" turkey which
continues to this day.

The turkey was brought to the new world in the 18th century by
Hungarian turkey herders who sought new lands to develop large
ranches, as by this time Central Europe was out of good turkey grazing
land. These Hungarian "turkeyboys" had limited success at first, but
later immigrants learned to domesticate the still vicious bird and
make it more docile, as well as less afraid of wild cranberries. Later
American myth gave the origin of the turkey to Native Americans in
order to give them something to cover up all the useful things they
had stolen from them. Instead of gunpowder and the printing press,
inventions of Cahokian and Aztec culture respectively, European
historians rewrote the books. Thus Europe takes credit for introducing
the printing press to the world, whereas Native Americans get a large
bird, now flightless and docile.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: Scottish Dentist
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/2816be6690c592af?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 5 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:11 pm
From: "SummersFrenzy"

Bill Colmers wrote:
> "SummersFrenzy"
>
>> Crystal can be like that . . . good strong chemical bond (I think), but
>> otherwise fairly weak . . . oh wait, that's MY ego . . . sheesh
>
> Maybe that explains your affinity for certain chemicals, my dear?

<bats eyelashes> why Doctor . . . whatever do you mean? No, really . . .
howzat again?

> Prof. Dr. Bill
>
> and their affinity for your receptors?

They have affinity? Yay!

== 2 of 5 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:21 pm
From: "SummersFrenzy"

MosNot wrote:
>
> Burger King is better. Flame cooked, not
> sitting on a greasy grill, like at McDonalds.

so microwaved, pre-packaged is better . . . okie dokes

== 3 of 5 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:23 pm
From: "SummersFrenzy"

Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> SummersFrenzy wrote:
>
>>No, we're discussing MosNot . . . you really need to learn to make that
>>distinction
>
> A rose by any other name would still have thorns.

Nice to know you think he's a rose . . . btw, bougainvillea is thornier -
and I don't think it can qualify as a rose of any name

== 4 of 5 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:32 pm
From: "SummersFrenzy"

MosNot wrote:
> Larry Krzewinski wrote:
>> SummersFrenzy wrote:
>
>>>Working . . . flirting outrageously . . . working . . . titillating
>>>coworkers at the holiday party . . . working . . . finding cute guys to
>>>torment . . . working . . . slept for a bit . . . did I mention I was
>>>working?
>>
>> Yes, but exactly what is your job description?
>
> Putting up with lots of crap.

That sounds like this place . . . work is much more - well - just less - I
mean - ah, CRAP

== 5 of 5 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 10:13 pm
From: "ynotssor"

In news:13k4r632pouie14@corp.supernews.com,
SummersFrenzy <icediamond_desire@hotmail.com> wrote:

> <bats eyelashes>

Do bats have eyebrows too?

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 12 days
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/8ea2919e97bd363d?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 6 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:26 pm
From: Tim Bruening

12 days since Bolshevik Revolution Day (the 90th anniversary of the
Bolshevik Revolution).

== 2 of 6 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:26 pm
From: Tim Bruening

3 x 12 days to Christmas.

== 3 of 6 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:27 pm
From: Tim Bruening

20 x 12 days to the anniversaries of the first atomic bomb and the
launching of the first Lunar Landing mission.

== 4 of 6 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:29 pm
From: Tim Bruening

27 x 12 days since the execution of Saddam Hussein.

== 5 of 6 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:30 pm
From: Tim Bruening

14 x 12 days to Cinco De Mayo.

== 6 of 6 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 10:11 pm
From: Tim Bruening

20 x 12 days since Spring in the North and Fall in the South.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 125 Days
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/ebcb3e20620356e1?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:26 pm
From: Tim Bruening

125 days to Easter.

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TOPIC: 200 Days
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/e939bb397225781e?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 9:26 pm
From: Tim Bruening

200 days to D Day.

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TOPIC: Christian group prays for troubled Hollywood Celebs--why?
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/e4ab34cd9400fc51?hl=en
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== 1 of 2 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 11:06 pm
From: Tim Howard

Mike Mordant wrote:
> On Nov 19, 12:51 am, Tim Howard <tim.how...@suddenlink.net> wrote:
>> www.rawstory.com/news/mochila/Christian_group_prays_for_celebs_111520...
>>
>> Just to summarize the above story:
>>
>> A Christian group called the Hollywood Prayer Network, who according to
>> the story, has over 5,000 members (why has this group of weirdos not
>> gotten any attention before) has them pick a celeb to pray for.
>> Troubled celebs like Brittany, Lindsay, Paris, etc. are the top prayer
>> receivers. The group even claims one of their members met and gave a
>> Bible to Paris Hilton recently, and they plan "to pass one on to Spears
>> later this month." I guess they know her schedule. : )
>>
>> Why would they waste their time? According to the story, "Members of
>> the network, which has chapters in 16 U.S. cities and eight countries,
>> see Hollywood as the 21st century's largest mission field, a powerful
>> industry that can be used to sow the seeds of an international cultural
>> and religious revival." And if you are wondering if they really take
>> themselves this seriously and think marginally talented self-centered
>> Hollywood celebs are that important to everyone's lives, consider this
>> quote from one member, Robert Johnston, a professor of theology and
>> culture at Fuller Seminary in Pasadena...
>> "The prayer network is the equivalent, and perhaps more important,
>> than praying for our president," Johnston said. "Just as churches have
>> traditionally prayed for leaders, now we recognize that one of our
>> primary sources of leadership is the entertainment industry."
>>
>> I guess these silly religious celebfans have never read the parable of
>> the sower. Don't sow your seeds on rocks or among weeds, sow them on
>> fertile ground.
>
> Why waste their time?
>
> The True Christian type is impressed with wealth and celebrity. Any
> of the folks they have targeted would make a great get. They would
> then be used to recruit hundreds of thousands of equally
> impressionable morons.

I disagree. Even though people buy and watch tabloid entertainment
stuff, I don't think they really care what Hilton, Ritche, Spears,
Lohan, etc. think about anything as it is, so why would they listen to
them talk about converting to Jesus? Hasn't Paris already said she got
religion after just a few weeks in jail? Has their been a spike in
conversions?

== 2 of 2 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 11:06 pm
From: Tim Howard

Michael Gray wrote:
> On Sun, 18 Nov 2007 22:51:52 -0800, Tim Howard
> <tim.howard@suddenlink.net> wrote:
>
>> www.rawstory.com/news/mochila/Christian_group_prays_for_celebs_11152007.html
>>
>> Just to summarize the above story:
>>
>> A Christian group called the Hollywood Prayer Network, who according to
>> the story, has over 5,000 members (why has this group of weirdos not
>> gotten any attention before) has them pick a celeb to pray for.
>> Troubled celebs like Brittany, Lindsay, Paris, etc. are the top prayer
>> receivers. The group even claims one of their members met and gave a
>> Bible to Paris Hilton recently, and they plan "to pass one on to Spears
>> later this month." I guess they know her schedule. : )
>>
>> Why would they waste their time?
>
> Because they have a ready market of ignorant superstitious unthinking
> cretins who are rich.

Who? The Christians or the celebs?

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TOPIC: Senile
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/a991a7040fdc9c1c?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 11:12 pm
From: Tim Bruening

Senile: What elderly tourists do in Egypt.

I got this from a "B.C." cartoon in April 2002.

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TOPIC: Palm Sunday
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/fbe6b4df3457017f?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 11:12 pm
From: Tim Bruening

Palm Sunday: An ice cream treat you eat from your hands.

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TOPIC: 19/11 Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/9b3b75079ec19926?hl=en
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== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Mon, Nov 19 2007 11:13 pm
From: Tim Bruening

Mos wrote:

> Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> > On 3 Nov 2004 13:03:06 -0600, "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I"
> > <tonworthyCLOTHES@SexMagnet.com> wrote:
> >
> >>>>>>>>> Alan, where have you been hiding? You haven't posted much
> >>>>>>>>> lately.
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> Living the life that I do have outside Usenet. You should
look
> >>>>>>>> for one, too.
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>> Don't mention your life outside of Usenet! Last time all the
> >>>>>>> rocking, howling and head-banging almost tipped the bus over!
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Yeah. I still have a headache from it.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Be glad the bus was short. If it had been a long
> >>>>> bus, the bonk on the head would make the ache
> >>>>> last longer.
> >>>>
> >>>> Is that the long and the short of it? I mean about Larry?
> >>>
> >>> He should be along shortly to comment on the
> >>> size of things.
> >>
> >> You can size him up, and not report your findings.
> >
> > Wait a minute!!! Don't you go volunteering me, Milt!
>
> And why not ? Seems you often volunteer me
> for lots of things and I ain't in your army.

Arming: Our Chinese vase with weapons.

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Posted by NrSD, Senin, 19 November 2007 23.17

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