25 new messages in 12 topics - digest

rec.humor
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor?hl=en

rec.humor@googlegroups.com

Today's topics:

==============================================================================
TOPIC: Christian group prays for troubled Hollywood Celebs--why?
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/e4ab34cd9400fc51?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:20 am
From: Michael Gray

On Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:06:46 -0800, Tim Howard
<tim.howard@suddenlink.net> wrote:

>Michael Gray wrote:
>> On Sun, 18 Nov 2007 22:51:52 -0800, Tim Howard
>> <tim.howard@suddenlink.net> wrote:
>>
>>> www.rawstory.com/news/mochila/Christian_group_prays_for_celebs_11152007.html
>>>
>>> Just to summarize the above story:
>>>
>>> A Christian group called the Hollywood Prayer Network, who according to
>>> the story, has over 5,000 members (why has this group of weirdos not
>>> gotten any attention before) has them pick a celeb to pray for.
>>> Troubled celebs like Brittany, Lindsay, Paris, etc. are the top prayer
>>> receivers. The group even claims one of their members met and gave a
>>> Bible to Paris Hilton recently, and they plan "to pass one on to Spears
>>> later this month." I guess they know her schedule. : )
>>>
>>> Why would they waste their time?
>>
>> Because they have a ready market of ignorant superstitious unthinking
>> cretins who are rich.
>
>Who? The Christians or the celebs?

The celebs.
Before they get suckered by the Scientologist scammers.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: The greatest woman ever
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/19ff63def4b51005?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 2 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:24 am
From: Tim Bruening

Larry Krzewinski wrote:

> On 3 Nov 2004 14:50:24 -0600, "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I"
> <tonworthyCLOTHES@SexMagnet.com> wrote:
>
> >>>>>>>>>Carly Phelps?
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>Not unless she weighs more than 880 pounds.
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>Alan, where have you been hiding? You haven't posted much lately.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>Living the life that I do have outside Usenet. You should look for
> >>>>>>one, too.
> >>>>>
> >>>>>Don't mention your life outside of Usenet! Last time all the
> >>>>>rocking, howling and head-banging almost tipped the bus over!
> >>>>
> >>>>Yeah. I still have a headache from it.
> >>>
> >>>You would have gotten a shiney new toy too if you weren't so
> >>>preoccupied with the no-no toy.
> >>
> >>Un-uh. I've seen your shiny new toys after Doreen gets done with
> >>them.
> >
> >Why not? They're even shinier!
>
> But the batteries are all used up and they aren't shinier, they're
> wet!

I'm glad to keep abreast of this thread.

== 2 of 2 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:39 am
From: Tim Bruening

Musical bed things: Bedding, Sheeting, Sheet Music, and Quilting.

Pillowing: Where sleeping birds put their heads.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 19 November Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/497e4becbc9d64c8?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:24 am
From: Tim Bruening

"Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" wrote:

> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >>>"Greg Evans" <misterx@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> >>>>> "nemo" <nemo@naughtylust.wet> wrote in message
> >>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> >
> >>>>>>> Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
> >>>>>>> To draw the curtains.
> >>>>>> If he had though himself to actually be the curtains, he should
have
> >>>>>> pulled himself together!
> >>>>> He did, but he draped himself over the bed. By the way, the mans
name
> >>>>> is Rod.
> >>>> Did it comforter him to do that, or was it a result of some sort
of
> >>>> ambi-valence about his purpose in life?
> >>>Well, Sheet, Greg, Ya gotta ask Rod. I was blind when he did it.
Don't
> >>>forget to take your pill, Oh, also don't forget your inhaler
either.
> >> Do you two have a room? I'm hearing shades of a one nightstand.
> >
> >No, we don't. He wanted to roller in the hay, but I told him that I
wasn't
> >pulled that way.
>
> I guess he missed his window of opportunity to see the light.

Lighting: Low mass bell.

Opportunity: Tea that knocks.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 19/11 Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/9b3b75079ec19926?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:24 am
From: Tim Bruening

"Frank A. Rosenbaum" wrote:

> "Greg Evans" <misterx@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> news:2usr9fF2eop8pU1@uni-berlin.de...
> > J. A. Mc. wrote:
> >> On Wed, 3 Nov 2004 06:30:51 -0500, "Frank A. Rosenbaum"
> >>> "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" <tonworthyCLOTHES@SexMagnet.com> wrote
in
> >>>> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >>>>> "Greg Evans" <misterx@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> >>>>> news:2unehsF29b8ksU1@uni-berlin.de...
> >>>>>> Frank A. Rosenbaum wrote:
> >>>>>>> "nemo" <nemo@naughtylust.wet> wrote in message
> >>>>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> >>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
> >>>>>>>>> To draw the curtains.
> >>>>>>>> If he had though himself to actually be the curtains, he
should
> >>>>>>>> have pulled himself together!
> >>>>>>> He did, but he draped himself over the bed. By the way, the
mans
> >>>>>>> name is Rod.
> >>>>>> Did it comforter him to do that, or was it a result of some
sort
> >>>>>> of ambi-valence about his purpose in life?
> >>>>> Well, Sheet, Greg, Ya gotta ask Rod. I was blind when he did it.

> >>>>> Don't forget to take your pill, Oh, also don't forget your
inhaler
> >>>>> either.
> >>>> Do you two have a room? I'm hearing shades of a one nightstand.
> >>> No, we don't. He wanted to roller in the hay, but I told him that
I
> >>> wasn't pulled that way.
> >>
> >> You prefer feathers ... ???
> >
> > Not sure I'm willing to take that thought any feather.... Call it a
draw?
>
> If you want to feather bed, go ahead. I don't give a flock.
>
> "Birds of a flock, feather together".

Flocking: Flying male monarchs.

Oinking: Porcine male monarch.

Barking: Alcoholic male monarch, or dog male monarch, or male monarch in

jail, or a male monarch lawyer.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: November 19 Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/e7e4cf003a1f7b01?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:24 am
From: Tim Bruening

"Frank A. Rosenbaum" wrote:

> "J. A. Mc." <jaSPAMc@gbr.online.com> wrote in message
> news:150jo0hcch6u84oih3d07nk912ob30iopi@4ax.com...
> > On Wed, 3 Nov 2004 16:51:22 -0500, "Frank A. Rosenbaum"
> > <farosenbaum@charter.net> found these unused words floating about:
> >
> >>
> >>"Greg Evans" <misterx@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> >>news:2usr9fF2eop8pU1@uni-berlin.de...
> >>> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> >>>> On Wed, 3 Nov 2004 06:30:51 -0500, "Frank A. Rosenbaum"
> >>>>> "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" <tonworthyCLOTHES@SexMagnet.com>
wrote in
> >>>>>> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >>>>>>> "Greg Evans" <misterx@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> >>>>>>> news:2unehsF29b8ksU1@uni-berlin.de...
> >>>>>>>> Frank A. Rosenbaum wrote:
> >>>>>>>>> "nemo" <nemo@naughtylust.wet> wrote in message
> >>>>>>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in
message
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>> Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
> >>>>>>>>>>> To draw the curtains.
> >>>>>>>>>> If he had though himself to actually be the curtains, he
should
> >>>>>>>>>> have pulled himself together!
> >>>>>>>>> He did, but he draped himself over the bed. By the way, the
mans
> >>>>>>>>> name is Rod.
> >>>>>>>> Did it comforter him to do that, or was it a result of some
sort
> >>>>>>>> of ambi-valence about his purpose in life?
> >>>>>>> Well, Sheet, Greg, Ya gotta ask Rod. I was blind when he did
it.
> >>>>>>> Don't forget to take your pill, Oh, also don't forget your
inhaler
> >>>>>>> either.
> >>>>>> Do you two have a room? I'm hearing shades of a one nightstand.

> >>>>> No, we don't. He wanted to roller in the hay, but I told him
that I
> >>>>> wasn't pulled that way.
> >>>>
> >>>> You prefer feathers ... ???
> >>>
> >>> Not sure I'm willing to take that thought any feather.... Call it
a
> >>> draw?
> >>
> >>If you want to feather bed, go ahead. I don't give a flock.
> >>
> >>"Birds of a flock, feather together".
> >>
> > What goose down here ... <G>
>
> When my family moved to Michigan, we were Michibeginners. Then there
are
> Michiganders, Michigeese, and Michigoslings.

Begun: Projectile weapon used by an apine.

Beagle: Sea bird that buzzes and makes honey.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: cute kid
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/10a057c271430c4c?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:32 am
From: funzy

http://www.gentlemenshumor.com/babydad.html

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 11/20 Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/ab494c68830db435?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:33 am
From: Tim Bruening

Palema wrote:

> nemo wrote:
>
> > Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > news:402B0F85.2740A7E3@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >>Agency: Sea of government departments and boards.
> >>
> >>Company: Computerized cooking container on your knee.
> >>
> >>Exaggerate: Price of enlargements.
> >>
> >>Pico: Very small pie company.
> >
> >
> > Nano: Very small English baby-minder.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> I Hawaii, they catch the crook in a Dano-second!

Mexico: Company that makes Mexis.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 11/20 Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/8aa491b995e974da?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:34 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Milton J. Smuthworthy, I <tonworthyCLOTHES@SexMagnet.com> wrote in message
> news:402e30eb$0$5638$45beb828@newscene.com...
> >
> > So then, quick as a flash, "nemo" shoots back:
> > >
> > >(WW1 British troops made Hinky Dinky up, but since when do we have to be
> > >accurate when insulting the French?!)
> >
> > I see no good reason at all!
> >
> > Reminds me of that WWII Japanese song, "She ain't got no yo-yo."
> >
> Neither had Billy Cotton. But his song got banned! It's track 1 on "Listen
> to the Banned" ASV CD AJA 5030 and Manny Moore to name butter phew. Wellll -
> somebody left it out of the fridge!

Cotton: Heavy fabric.

Cotton: Heavy bed.

== 2 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:34 am
From: Tim Bruening

Palema wrote:

> "...Two weeks after the bustier bust, almost no one has come to the
> defense of Janet Jackson. I do so with a full heart. By baring a single
> breast in a slam-dunk publicity stunt of two seconds' duration, this
> singer also exposed just how many boobs we have in this country..."
> --Frank Rich, NY Times 2-15-04 [Read more at
> http://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/15/arts/15RICH.html - requires
> registration, but its free ]

Janet: A website about the 1st month of the year.

== 3 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:35 am
From: Tim Bruening

"fredmiller@the.PC " wrote:

> "That looks like another Mistake to me", muttered the Doctor after he
> botched up the breast reduction surgery.

Then he made another Miss Stake: Jamming a sharp piece of wood through
the heart of a female vamp.

== 4 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:35 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4031EEAB.32CFEEA5@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > Buffalo Chilkat wrote:
> >
> > > commodities market - where one shops for commodes.
> >
> > WC: Ocean of toilets.
> >
> Commodities market - where one shops for recordings of Perry Como's shorter
> songs
>
> WC Fields: Farm full of toilets.

Garfields: Farm full of orange cats that walk on two legs.

== 5 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:35 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4031CF05.A0B44F48@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Comma: Computer Mom.
> >
> > Commission: Computer church.
> >
> > Commit: Computer glove.
> >
> > Emerge: Dot.com merger.
> >
> > Emission: Internet church.
>
> Motherboard: The kids have all left home.

Transistor: Female sibling of computer.

== 6 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:36 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4031EDB6.5A6E8DD3@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Computerize: Levitating computer.
> >
>
> I.T. - Breverage up a pole!

I.T.: Beverage on the Internet.

== 7 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:36 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Kathy <tnktachuk@cogeco.ca> wrote in message
> news:o5hYb.4084$Fp5.1354@read1.cgocable.net...
> >
> > "nemo" <nemo@naughtylass2.wet> wrote in message
> > news:p_3Yb.87762$cL.45796@news-lhr.blueyonder.co.uk...
> > >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:a69c46fe.0402160340.6ab13a91@posting.google.com...
> > > > Commute: Silent computer.
> > > >
> > > > Compassion: Computer love.
> > > >
> > > > Comply: Wooden computer.
> > > >
> > > > Complex: Computer house.
> > > >
> > > > Ebay: Where computers can swim and fish E-fish-cent-lee.
> > > >
> > > > EC: Ocean of computers.
> > > >
> > > > Emotions: Computer feelings.
> > > >
> > > > Emotions: What happens during computer court proceedings.
> > > >
> > > > Irate: Price of Internet access.
> > >
> > > Bunch of idiots using linked computers: Nitwork.
> > >
> > E-flat: online apartment.
> >
> A-flat minor: What you find under a piano that's been thrown down a
> mineshaft!

B-flat: Under a piano that fell on a beehive.

Commit: To put a glove in a mental institution.

Econ: Rich Internet scam artist.

Icon: Another Internet scam artist.

Remittent: To put the glove in the tent again.

== 8 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:36 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:40307AE4.322CC0C5@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Rumble: Druken male cow.
>
> Possible: Male cow being chased by a deputised group of armed cowboys.

Is he a Mad Cow?

== 9 of 9 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:37 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:40307A11.7F65EBB8@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Comcast: Computerized actors.
> >
> > Steelcast: Robot actors such as The Terminator.
>
> Arnie playing a gardener: The Germinator.

Also Arnold playing a doctor.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 11/20 Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/da6a571d61861d9e?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:37 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4024CFFB.4ECE0176@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Circuit: An electrical Knight.
> >
> > Circulation: A library or spinning Knight.
> >
> > Circus: A swearing Knight.
> >
> > Sirloin: Knight of Sex.
> >
> > Serpent: Snake Knight.
> >
> > Servant: Plumping Knight.
> >
> > Servile: Very Evil Knight.
> >
> > Surface: Knight of many disguises.
> >
> > Surmount: Very tall Knight.
> >
> > Surprise: A knight in charge of game shows.
> >
> > Surrender: The Knight of Destruction.
> >
> > Surrender: Knight of Meat Processing.
> >
> > Surround: Very fat Knight.
> >
> > Surgeon: An operating Knight.
> >
> > Surtax: Knight in charge of the IRS.
> >
> You forgot Sir Cumference. Doesn't matter now though. He's been on a diet!

Circle: Round knight.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: The greatest man ever
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/abc9fc6e79372a5a?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 5 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:37 am
From: Tim Bruening

Buddha? Asoka (The Indian king who swore off war)? Bob Woodward? The
soldier who blew the whistle on the Iraq prisoner abuse scandal?

== 2 of 5 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:38 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4024A598.C9CE41B9@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Crossing: A musical religious symbol.
> >
> > Hissing: Song made by a snake.
> >
> > Icing: A frozen song.
> >
> > Massing: A heavy song.
> >
> > Missing: A girl who can't carry a tune.
> >
> > Musing: A singing cow or cat.
> >
> > Passing: A musical mountain path.
> >
> > Passing: Sung by cars as they pass each other.
> >
> > Rising: A song that makes you soar. Also levitating wheat.
> >
>
> Online yeast: e-leven.
>
> Abasing: Sound made by well-known Scanty Knavian pop group.
>
> Abasing: Ol' man river.
>
> Accusing: Buskers entertaing a line of people outside a theatre.
>
> Arousing: A loud argument in an opera.
>
> Brusing: Drunk who's had too much singing.
>
> Causing: Musical crow.
>
> Closing: Musical garments.
>
> Cursing: Musical dog.
>
> Cruising: A sea-shanty.
>
> Ceasing: Ditto.
>
> Easing: Mp3.
>
> Hosing: Musical prositiute.

Icing: More Mp3.

== 3 of 5 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:38 am
From: Tim Bruening

"J. A. Mc." wrote:

> On Mon, 3 May 2004 13:15:48 -0400, "Harry Farkas" <hfarkas@wowway.com> found
> these unused words floating about:
>
> >
> >"J. A. Mc." <jaSPAMc@gbr.online.com> wrote in message
> >news:5ntc90lrs1oi515opeau8d6efddeqjug9u@4ax.com...
> >> On Mon, 3 May 2004 12:19:47 -0400, "Harry Farkas" <hfarkas@wowway.com>
> >found
> >> these unused words floating about:
> >>
> >> >"How do you like my new blue jeans?" asked Tom warily. (He was reading
> >> >Levitucus at the time.)
> >>
> >> "They're very nice." "In fact they're the best I've ever seen you wear!",
> >> Levi straussed.
> >
> >Mrs. Tom wanted to wear jeans to work, but her boss said he'd docker pay.
>
> Perhaps she could wrangler casual Fridays?

Don't skirt the issue.

== 4 of 5 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:38 am
From: Tim Bruening

"The New Mr. Humor" wrote:

> Humor fans,
>
> The New Mr. Humor will be taking a week off to enjoy the holiday season.
> As a special holiday gift, here is an old "Humor of the Great Composers"
> from years gone by!!!
>
> Q: Why was the composer of "The Garden of Fand" always the first one out of
> the parking lot?
>
> A: Because he always backs his car in!!!
>
> HH: Backs. Bax. The great composer Sir Arnold Edward Trevor Bax (1883-1953)
> wrote "The Garden of Fand". Get it??? Ha Ha Ha!!!

Are you going to get a girl on her Bax?

== 5 of 5 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:38 am
From: Tim Bruening

"The New Mr. Humor" wrote:

> Humor fans,
>
> Let's cluck into another weekend with a brand new "Humor of the Great
> Composers"!!!
>
> Q: Why did the fisherman take a jar of tartar sauce to listen to a
> recording of the Quintet for Piano, Violin, Violoncello and Double Bass in
> A Major, Op. posth. 114, D. 667 by the great composer Franz Schubert?
>
> A: Because he heard there would be trout there!!!
>
> HH: trout. Trout. The Quintet for Piano, Violin, Violoncello and Double
> Bass in A Major, Op. posth. 114, D. 667 by the great composer Franz
> Schubert is known as "The Trout". Get it??? Ha Ha Ha!!!

Quintet: 5th celebration of the Vietnamese New Year.

Why would a trout be attracted by tartar sauce?

==============================================================================
TOPIC: Weird Che Quote
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/642677c04a6820c8?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:39 am
From: Tim Bruening

According to the May 2004 issue of The Third World Forum, Che said
the following 20 times in a row:

"At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that a true revolutionary
is guided by feelings of love."

However, once he ended with "guided by this paper".

==============================================================================
TOPIC: All Odd Date
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/373fd10aa1414b6b?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Tues, Nov 20 2007 12:40 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:419EF501.A328737E@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > 5 years ago today was the last all odd date (11/19/1999) until 1/1/3111.
>
> I really am glad you told me that. I would have worried.

Thank you!

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Posted by NrSD, Selasa, 20 November 2007 03.31

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