24 new messages in 10 topics - digest

rec.humor
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Today's topics:

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 21 July Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/634e4110ac156512?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 12:20 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> "Tim Bruening" <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:44C1D0DD.159F622D@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:40C62AA8.1C13F75D@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > nemo wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > Cliff Gieseke <cliffgie@swbell.net> wrote in message
> > > > > news:mTQwc.4607$bg6.2319@newssvr23.news.prodigy.com...
> > > > > > Infantry -- baby tree
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Geometry -- the tree they used to build the pyramids
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Poultry -- the tree that has or had feathers
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > Infantry - Baby soldiers.
> > > > >
> > > > > Adultry - What they get up to when they've grown up.
> > > > >
> > > > > Mechanised Light Infantry: Robot baby soldiers.
> > > >
> > > > I hope they don't suffer a Major Defeat, or General Disorder.
> > > >
> > > Or receive Corporal Punishment to the Private Parts!
> >
> > Sergeant Pepper is nothing to be sneezed at.
> >
> > Drill Sergeant: Officer in the tool army.
>
> Randy Drill Sergeant training ghosts:
>
> "Lay Fright Lay Fright Lay Fright Lay Fright Lay Fright Lay Fright Lay
> Fright . . . "

2 Lays for $1!!!!!

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 21/7 Puns
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/b426065195a2e62b?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 12:24 am
From: Tim Bruening

nemo wrote:

> "Tim Bruening" <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:44C15B94.6E6B8877@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > Timmy <tsbrueni@dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > news:1105332418.416989.137170@c13g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> > >
> > > Advising: Helpful song.
> > >
> > > Advertising: Commercial song.
> > >
> > > Amazing: One singing corn field.
> > >
> > > Bemusing: Singing bee.
> > >
> > > Crossing: A musical religious symbol.
> > >
> > > Hissing: Song made by a snake.
> > >
> > > Icing: A frozen song.
> > >
> > > Massing: A heavy song.
> > >
> > > Missing: A girl who can't carry a tune.
> > >
> > > Musing: A singing cow or cat or poet.
> > >
> > > Passing: A musical mountain path.
> > >
> > > Passing: Sung by cars as they pass each other.
> > > Rising: A song that makes you soar.
> > >
> > > Rising: Singing grain.
> > >
> > A rye definition.
> >
> > Riser: Grain dog.
>
> Quite common on the island of Barley.

Bar Lee: Korean alcohol vendor?

==============================================================================
TOPIC: The Amish Farmer
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/5c51162c2a180bd8?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 12:43 am
From: Ivan Awfulitch

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his
pond.
The farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht.die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen".
Which means: "Don't drink the water; the cows have shit in it".
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in
English.".
The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands; you'll get more".

==============================================================================
TOPIC: I usually don't plug websites, but... Lets Say Thanks
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/bc539675a937ecf6?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:07 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 21:36:28 -0800, "ynotssor" <ynotssor@example.org>
wrote:

>> If our troops think that I'm wearing a burqa they have got another
>> thing coming.
>
>You mean, the fact that it's paisley?

Paisley doesn't really go with my eyes.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: Sex novels by instant download
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/72fd6a8158cbf98d?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:08 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:27:14 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>>>>>> Some folks obviously have absolutely no reading comprehension skills
>>>>>>>> at all.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>SRPOTW !!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Not even close. Nice try, though.
>>>>>
>>>>>Oh, my bad. It should have been SRPOTY.
>>>>
>>>> You obviously underestimate my skills. It should have been the SRPOTD
>>>> award.
>>>
>>>Only because once you do a good job,
>>>others expect you to do better.
>>
>> When have I ever done a good job?
>
>We keep expecting that.

Me doing a good job, or me asking when have I done a good job?

==============================================================================
TOPIC: 12/12/12
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/d2964a4ab1a46e7c?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 1 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:09 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:26:46 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>>>>>> You're the one who thinks he's a "nice guy".
>>>>>>>Rule #1 !
>>>>>> It's in the archives, Mos. You actually said you liked him quite a
>>>>>> number of times. Don't make me post your quotes here.
>>>>>Wasn't me. If you want to prove it,
>>>>>post the quotes including the conversation.
>>>> Including your IP address?
>>>Why not ? I already posted my fax number.
>>
>> That wasn't your fax number.
>
>I have to admit, "that" is not my fax number.

I know! The number you posted was for the Department of Homeland
Security. Do you know they have absolutely no sense of humor? I am
never faxing them another Xerox of my butt again!

==============================================================================
TOPIC: Scottish Dentist
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/2816be6690c592af?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 4 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:10 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:34:31 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>>>> I don't believe you.
>>>>>Since we can't believe anything you say,
>>>>>you then do believe I'm not Mos.
>>>>
>>>> Then I don't believe me.
>>>
>>>Can't say I blame you.
>>
>> But I do blame me. How about them apples?
>
>Winesap or Granny Smith ?

Pink Lady.

== 2 of 4 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:11 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 19:27:26 -0800, "ynotssor" <ynotssor@example.org>
wrote:

>>> Incidentally, "The Ego Drops" is the name of my new band.
>>
>> That explains why each of their instruments is tuned differently, at
>> least.
>
>I didn't know kazoos could be tuned.

The Ego Drops keep dropping their kazoos and it dents the heck out of
them.

== 3 of 4 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:12 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 22:08:31 -0700, "SummersFrenzy"
<icediamond_desire@hotmail.com> wrote:

>> Which brings us back to Summer the plumber.
>
><raised eyebrow>

How much would you charge to clean my pipes? <g>

== 4 of 4 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:14 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:36:29 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>> Never gonna happen.
>>>
>>>Oh, so you're never gonna specify the sexy women in r.h.
>>
>> Never gonna happen.
>
>Coward.

Maybe. Maybe I'm a smart enough coward not to pick and choose.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: surrender
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/c802089baaf3b7ea?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 3 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:16 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:33:36 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>> Nope. And my handwriting is terrible enough to begin with.
>>>
>>>And surely to end with.
>>
>> A period, usually.
>
>You properly used a comma !

I also properly used a period and I don't hear you commenting on that.
You are punctuation prejudiced. I'm gonna get the NAACP* after you.

*National Association of Commas and Periods

== 2 of 3 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 4:57 am
From: "Greg Evans"

Larry Krzewinski wrote:

>> Stop volunteering me to volunteer Mos.
>
> Return my Yugo and I'll consider it.

<gives Yugo a spirited shove>
Good thing you're closer to sea level than I am...

== 3 of 3 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 4:58 am
From: "Greg Evans"

Larry Krzewinski wrote:

> Ride? That Yugo is a collectable.

As opposed to being usable transportation, yes.

==============================================================================
TOPIC: Chinese food
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/2450e65bb085dfcf?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:17 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 21:58:49 -0700, "SummersFrenzy"
<icediamond_desire@hotmail.com> wrote:

>> I do have mirrors, you know.
>
>Then quit asking for 'em!

I'd like to go on record and state that I have never ever asked for a
mirror here in rec.humor. If you want to give them to me, then that's
your business.

== 2 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:18 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:30:21 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>>>>>This is boring. Do something more funny.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Cool. I always did enjoy telling jokes when I ride bareback.
>>>>>
>>>>> With cool you mean the weather situation when riding bare?
>>>>
>>>>He meant that him being naked is something to joke about.
>>>
>>>I didn't know he was aware of that.
>>
>> I do have mirrors, you know.
>
>And you should thank Summer for them.

Why? The ones she gives away are so tiny. I need full length
mirrors.

== 3 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:19 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 21:44:25 -0800, "ynotssor" <ynotssor@example.org>
wrote:

>>> Only in south California.
>>
>> Come for the sunshine. Stay for the lifestyle.
>
>You call *that* a lifestyle?

Yep.

== 4 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:19 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:31:04 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>Only in south California.
>>
>> Come for the sunshine. Stay for the lifestyle.
>
>..."airhead"....

No way, man! I'm a surfer dewd!

== 5 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:21 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:31:27 -0700, "MosNot" <StillNot@YourHouse>
wrote:

>>>>>>>This is boring. Do something more funny.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Cool. I always did enjoy telling jokes when I ride bareback.
>>>>>
>>>>>With cool you mean the weather situation when riding bare?
>>>>
>>>> Not exactly. Body heat and strenuous exercise usually keeps me warm.
>>>
>>>He means his fat body puts out a lot of heat when he types.
>>
>> So what if I have warm fingers?
>
>Then take off your mittens.

One cannot type with mittens on, Mos. Or, one could, but it would
look like this:

hhkjkhjodA FEWIcdanc a,mlqadjnqwfrJO]Vwmc
,MS

== 6 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:23 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 22:37:07 -0800, "ynotssor" <ynotssor@example.org>
wrote:

>>> Shoot, that requires a major expedition - he has to actually *walk
>>> out of his house* to get to his car, then drive it to McDonalds to
>>> get the food!
>>
>> It ain't easy getting those keys in the ignition.
>
>I was recently at the scene of witnessing such an attempt when I was 18
>years old sometime in the last century. I lived in a simple apartment above
>a tavern and worked nights at a grocery store, so I had some nights off
>which I spent on the road bicycling with two friends. Those were the days,
>as they say.
>
>It was about 1:30 in the morning when we returned from a 25-mile-or-so
>adventure to find an middle-aged man had exited the tavern and was stabbing
>his key into his car door, trying to find the lock while stumbling about on
>and off the curb. We suggested to him that it would be better to call a cab
>since he was obviously very drunk and shouldn't be driving, and he responded
>by offering us his wallet for some reason, which of course we declined,
>stating that we'd rather have his keys which we'd leave inside with the
>bartender who would call the taxi.
>
>He seemed antagonized by this and grabbed the below-shoulder-length hair of
>one of my companions and started twirling him about. My friend's arm was in
>a plaster cast from above the elbow, so he had limited ability to defend
>himself from such an attack. I told the guy "LET GO OF HIM! ... LET GO OF
>HIM OR I'M GONNA HIT YOU! ... OK, I'M GONNA HIT YOU ... " and delivered a
>single solid punch-through directly on the point of his chin. Of course he
>went down and stayed down, unconscious as such a delivery always guarantees.
>
>In those pre-"911" days when one could do such a thing, I went upstairs to
>my apartment and made an anonymous 'phone call to the police stating what
>had happened, and pretty soon the coloured lights were flashing outside, and
>things evolved as they should. The next day I went into the tavern and
>(playing dumb) asked the bartender what all the commotion was outside early
>in the morning. "Oh, a few punks tried to rob Harvey. Everybody knows he
>always carries a thousand bucks in his wallet, but he fought 'em off, the
>bastards!"
>
>I like to think that maybe we saved a few lives that night and added one
>more true story to the cheap-heroics collection.

See, Mos!

== 7 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:23 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 21:45:37 -0800, "ynotssor" <ynotssor@example.org>
wrote:

>>> "Strenuous exercise", for Larry, means having to get up off the
>>> couch to get another beer from the fridge.
>>
>> I hate doing that! That was the primary reason I got married.
>
>To get a couch and refrigerator?

Yes. Mom made me get up and get my own beer.

== 8 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:24 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 22:39:24 -0800, "ynotssor" <ynotssor@example.org>
wrote:

>>>> There is no snow on my belly button!
>>>
>>> There is no lint on Mt. Baldy, either.
>>
>> HA! When was the last time you were on MT. Baldy?
>
>2-1/2 years ago, but some may have drifted in since.

With our lack of snow here, they have been lint skiing on MT Baldy
ever since your last visit.

== 9 of 9 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:27 am
From: Larry Krzewinski

On Tue, 20 Nov 2007 22:42:45 -0800, "ynotssor" <ynotssor@example.org>
wrote:

>>>>> What shocking dance it was: any stranger could hold a lady firmly
>>>>> pressed to his body in plain sight.
>>>> That isn't shocking as long as you take the correct steps.
>>>
>>> Stay out of the path of the ooom-pah-pah.
>>
>> I think the tuba player has it in for me.
>
>You'll be surprised to find it's a Sousaphone -- tubas are played while
>sitting, and it took ol' J.P. to reconstruct it into a horn that could be
>played in a marching band.

How many marching bands waltz?

==============================================================================
TOPIC: ATJ.. Completely destroyed
http://groups.google.com/group/rec.humor/browse_thread/thread/3f2805ea1da0a7e1?hl=en
==============================================================================

== 1 of 2 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 1:43 am
From: Rumplestiltskin

On Sun, 18 Nov 2007 21:44:32 GMT, peachy ashie passion
<exquisitepeach@hotmail.com> wrote:

>Rumplestiltskin wrote:
>> On Sun, 18 Nov 2007 18:42:20 GMT, peachy ashie passion
>> <exquisitepeach@hotmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>
>>>MÐ wrote:
>>>
>>>
>>>>Last post 11/16/07
>>>>
>>>>Poster: Max Destroyer
>>>>
>>>>Status of group: finito
>>>>
>>>>Time to lay waste to every last (non-rh) poster: 6 years 3 months
>>>>
>>>><turning out lights>
>>>
>>>
>>> You must be pleased as punch.
>>>
>>> Of course you do know one of them will turn up in a few months and
>>>post again, right?
>>>
>>
>> He's so proud of himself he built a porch over his dick.
>>
>
> Hi Rumple babe! Haven't seen you in ages!

I bin bizzy.

--
Rumplestiltskin is my name, and humpin' wimmen is my game.

== 2 of 2 ==
Date: Wed, Nov 21 2007 3:18 am
From: Rumplestiltskin

On Mon, 19 Nov 2007 13:33:17 GMT, MÐ <"mÃÐMÁ×¹"@ÅsSrEmOvEr.çøm> wrote:

>On Sun, 18 Nov 2007 16:40:56 -0500, Rumplestiltskin wrote:
>
>> On Sun, 18 Nov 2007 18:42:20 GMT, peachy ashie passion
>> <exquisitepeach@hotmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>>MÐ wrote:
>>>
>>>> Last post 11/16/07
>>>>
>>>> Poster: Max Destroyer
>>>>
>>>> Status of group: finito
>>>>
>>>> Time to lay waste to every last (non-rh) poster: 6 years 3 months
>>>>
>>>> <turning out lights>
>>>
>>>
>>> You must be pleased as punch.
>>>
>>> Of course you do know one of them will turn up in a few months and
>>>post again, right?
>>>
>> He's so proud of himself he built a porch over his dick.
>
>lack of denial as to ATJ's demise noted
>
>good guess ..I'm having a jacuzzi installed next week

You're having a sex change?

--
Rumplestiltskin is my name, and humpin' wimmen is my game.

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Posted by NrSD, Rabu, 21 November 2007 05.00

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